Grandiosity and Shame
Terry Real is a renowned therapist and the author of I Don't Want to Talk About It (1998). He opens up about a covert topic on a podcast with Peter Attia, MD. The topic, is male depression.
Male depression is hidden because men are supposed to be strong, and invincible. Most men, rather than confiding about the problems they are facing, choose varied drugs such as alcohol, career, violence, and sex. Instead of opening up to a partner or a child, men choose strong armed responses to their vulnerability. Terry reveals this through an example of how his smart, loving, but abusive and depressed father shaped his being through patriarchy, deep rooted shame, and anger. He explains how his father endured a similar past with his father and so on. Terry makes a case that male depression can propagate through generations. The podcast was also very revealing about how male depression can manifest itself into grandiosity and shame. Terry says that men must strive to drop the contempt associated with both in order to have meaningful relationships.
Men feel shame when contempt associated with their low self-esteem is directed inwards. They hide it from others and even themselves. In most advanced societies, men are taught that what they are is not enough, and they have to earn the connection through achievement. Career is one such thing, many of us carry burdens of our childhood, and go harder than ever behind “achivement” because we feel shame. Even though all that the family looks forward to, is their dad at the dinner table!
💡 We feel shame when we think that we are violating the social norms we belive in. Shame makes us direct our focus inward, and we begin to perceive our entire selves negatively.Men often act grandiose when contempt associated with their low self-esteem is directed outwards. In other words, they blame others for their “insufficient” achivement. They try to convince themselves that they “fit in” by making grandiose claims about who they really are. For instance, your friend Joe might be always harping about his job, and how the work is really great and how he is making a world of difference. There is a possibility that Joe is actually trying to convince himself that he has enough “accomplishment” under his belt.
💡 The next time I meet someone boastful, I will be sobered just by thinking what they have gone through in their lives and not make fun of them.Men also turn helplessness into righteousness. For instance, men might take a difficult stance with a spouse or the family, just to satisfy their self-righteousness. Some men will also tragically resort to violence and anger, which affects generations to come.
“Men's willingness to downplay weakness and pain is so great that it has been named as a factor in their shorter life span. The ten years of difference in longevity between men and women turns out to have little to do with genes. Men wait longer to acknowledge that they are sick, take longer to get help, and once they get treatment do not comply with it as well as women do.”
― Terrence Real, I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression
As I said at the beginning, male depression is a covert topic. I wanted to give it some voice through my newsletter. This topic is also so vast that it is impossible to cover in a relatively short form e-mail. Please do buy Terry’s book, and if you are short on time, certaily checkout this podcast.
Until next time, Ciao.